Ashlee vs Lindsay: The boyfriend battle that rocked 2005

Rewind to 16 October 2005 to 22 October 2005

🕋 Million Man March 2.0
Louis Farrakhan’s Millions More rally hits D.C., calling for unity and self-reliance after Katrina. His fire-and-brimstone speech slams Bush but sparks fresh controversy. Big turnout, smaller legacy — more sequel than revolution.

⚖️ Saddam takes the stand
Iraq puts Saddam Hussein on trial for crimes against humanity. He mocks the court, yells, refuses to say his name — peak dictator drama. Justice or theatre? Depends which news channel you asked.

🎤 Ashlee vs Lindsay (and Fez)
Ashlee Simpson’s “Boyfriend” isn’t about Lindsay Lohan… sure. The I Am Me album drops and gossip blogs combust. Turns out, even pop songs came with plot twists in 2005.

🎸 The Veronicas go 4ever
Twin sass rockets onto Aussie airwaves as The Secret Life Of... drops. “4ever” becomes the teen anthem of the year — eyeliner thick, angst thicker. Pop-punk perfection, straight outta Brisbane.

🎮 Doomed on arrival
The Rock storms Mars in Doom — part shooter, part disaster. Critics hated it, gamers cringed, but that first-person scene? Iconic chaos. The movie flopped, the meme lived.

👠 Sisters doing it for themselves (eventually)
Cameron Diaz and Toni Collette fight, cry, and bond in In Her Shoes. Family drama, poetry, and Florida sunshine — every girl’s night in circa 2005.

📺 Truthiness is here
Stephen Colbert debuts The Colbert Report, roasting cable news with a grin and a flag pin. “Truthiness” enters the dictionary, and politics gets its funniest mirror yet.

💰 Millionaire coach scores gold
Sydney teacher Rob “Coach” Fulton becomes Australia’s first Millionaire winner. The question? Early PM trivia. The prize? Eddie McGuire losing his mind on live TV.

📚 Outlander gets extra saucy
A Breath of Snow and Ashes drops, and readers drown in time-travel, romance, and kilted chaos. Critics beg for fewer butts, more plot. Claire and Jamie? Still can’t keep their hands off each other.

Hang with us on socials to chat more noughties nostalgia - Facebook (@tminus20) or Instagram (tminus20podcast). You can also contact us there if you want to be a part of the show.

Chapters

• 0:00 intro
• 0:21 show opener
• 9:01 news
• 17:48 music
• 36:32 tv and movies
• 54:07 books we didn't read
• 1:00:52 hatches, matches and dispatches
• 1:06:55 show closer

Transcript

Transcript is generated automatically. 

The year is 2005. Anakin turns to the dark side. YouTube debuts, and we couch jump for Mariah, McDreamy, and a girl with a dragon tattoo. T-minus 20. Rewind 20 years with Joe and Mel. 

Week of 16, October 2005. T-minus 20. Hey, what do you think? This is a talk show? T-minus 20. It's an icebreaker. Don't judge me yet. This is bananas. The power you will come home. My question is, who approved that ? Do you see where this is going? Not really. 

If you remember when your iPod shuffle was the peak of technology, when reality TV feuds were hotter than your Motorola Razr, and every news channel had a dictator on trial, then this is the podcast for you. It's what we call T-minus 20, the podcast that rips open the pop culture time capsule from exactly 20 years ago and serves it with a bit of sass nostalgia and very questionable, fashionable... no, not questionable fashionable, questionable fashion choices. I was doing so well with your host, Joe and Mel. Hello, Mel. 

Hello, very low-rise jeans fashion choices. 

Oh, nice. 

Velua. 

Velua, I think. 

With words across your *** fashion choices. 

That's choice, bro. Yeah. 

That's very questionable. The questionable week we're looking at is the 16th to the 22nd of October 2005. 

They had heaps of questions for this bloke. 

Wednesday marking the second big day in Iraq in less than a week. That's when former dictator Saddam Hussein is set to go on trial. 

Yes, Saddam Hussein has his day in court and basically turns it into an episode of words, more like Judge Judy than Law and Order, I think. Yeah, Assassinated lawyers, walkouts, all sorts of things. 

The big debut album from the Veronicas, Twin Power. 

Is that what it was called? No, that's not what it was called. That's a great title. I would have called it Twin Power. 

No, it wasn't called Twin Power. What was it called? 

Oh, we'll get to that later on. You've got plenty of time. 

Tell me about secret and life and something else. 

Sure. 

Colbert, that's a French name, is it not? 

It's A French name just to get the cultural elites on my side, Bill. I'm as Irish as you. I'm A Tormey, I'm an O'Neill, I'm A Tuck, I'm A Fee, I'm A Connolly. 

Stephen Colbert. The Colbert Report gives us its premiere this time 20 years ago. Bit of truthiness from Stephen Colbert and the world is really never the same again. I kind of didn't get the joke because I was a bit slow on the uptake. But I have a newfound appreciation for Stephen Colbert as I think a lot of people do having watched him over the years. So we'll talk about his show as well. 

I can't believe he's been around for 20 years. 

Yeah. 

Crazy. 

Doesn't he hasn't aged. Actually he has, we've all aged, all of us, a lot with all of the crap that has gone on. 

And probably all the alcohol over the years. 

Oh yeah, that'll age you prematurely as well. 

The old wrinkles. And it's interesting, tonight I'm actually trying a non-alcoholic cocktail. Non-alcoholic. It's funny because 20 years ago I was trying to hide the taste of the alcohol in like bright blue drinks and pink drinks and you know add some guava, add some... blue whatever, toilet water looking thing. So that never has been a problem. Always trying not to taste the alcohol growing up. And now I'm having drinks that aren't alcoholic and trying to get them to taste like alcohol. 

That's very strange. That's almost like when vegans have the meat, like the fake meat and they try and make it look like real meat. 

They shape it like the meat and they make it taste like meat. 

Yeah. 

That's exactly what this is in a can. 

This is exactly what you're doing in a can with your thing. See, that doesn't happen when you drink beer. Although I have cut back on alcohol as well. We both have. And it's like, it's not a good time to be kind of drinking when you're working anyway. Like I used to get free beer at the pub at Trivia. 

Yes. 

And I loved it. But I just. Well, I don't know that the people that went to Trivia loved it as much as I did. But anyway, so. 

The final round was a bit mouthy. 

Yeah, I was a bit mouthy. I was heckling myself half the time. Just because I was saying. question number like it was terrible. So I definitely, and it's just, it's not as fun anyway, because you're doing stuff. You're like, you're not relaxing, you're working. So it's like, now I like to have a drink when I'm working. So I'll not drink when I'm working, oh my goodness, drinking when I'm not working, because like, why would you do it? And then now I sound like I'm talking about drinking on the job. But the job I'm referring to is an entertainment job in a pub where you can have a few. Anyway, it's not like in the office where it's like, oh yeah, we don't, you know, it's else is going for coffee and I've got a hip flask under my desk just taking a swig to cope with the day. No, but it's when you relax. I like to, so you've got to relax. And I don't really enjoy doing it when I've got other stuff to do. I like doing it when I BBQ, have a couple of beers there. When I'm watching a bit of sport, maybe have a couple of beers. 

It's interesting though, because as I've gotten older, I've realized that I don't have to drink to excess. I can just have a couple of drinks or I can not have a drink and it's still okay. And you know, getting up at like 6 in the morning is actually It's actually quite amazing because you get more of a weekend. 

Not feeling like complete **** like a. 

Fat sh*t in your mouth. Once you have a kid too, the hangovers just, they hit different. 

That was, I think the first time I ever had a hangover as a parent is probably one of the worst experiences of my entire life. 

I can still feel it, yeah. 

It was bad. 

So much regret. 

It was bad. 

It's also interesting how the market for these types of drinks that taste like alcohol with no alcohol in them has just grown significantly. 

I find that crazy. 

I'm getting pushed across Instagram all the time. You can subscribe to drinks that are alcohol free and they deliver them to your house. There's wine. There was a wine one I saw a couple of weeks ago. And it's is actual wine with the alcohol removed, but then they add in these other ingredients like, I don't know, some vitamins or minerals that are supposed to help you kind of chill and relax, like maybe some magnesium. 

Soy protein. 

I don't even know how to say that. And it really is sounding like a vegan stuff. They're now infusing alcohol-free wine with that. So you get that whole kind of... end of the day, ritual of having a drink and it just kind of chilling you out, but not because of the alcohol. 

They're not nano drinks anymore, they're nano drinks. They're much more contemporary and modern. 

Yeah, but it's fascinating because it's that they're looking at, okay, maybe it's just the ritual of holding a drink or the ritual of having something at the end of the day that just relaxes you. So let's just pump it full of vitamins instead of alcohol. 

Well, as he says, as he has a sip of his Coke Zero out of the good whiskey glasses, because I don't use the good whiskey glasses. anymore because I don't drink whiskey when I'm at home. So because that's just a bad thing. I think COVID had a lot to do with it as well. We all drank way too much during COVID. I think that's that goes without saying. But it is that old adage as well, though, with this stuff. It's like going to a brothel and asking for a hug. It's just really strange. 

I don't hate it. I don't mind it. And this actually tastes quite good. It's like a fake gin. 

It says classic G&T. There's nothing classic about that. 

I remember I threw up a classic G&T with real G&T in a bush once. 

Oh, then your alarm's going off now. It's time for bed, you old duck. There it is. That's the whistle. That's the bedtime train for all the senior citizens to pack up their non-alcoholic GMTs. 

Have you magnesium? 

Have you magnesium and get it off this? 

L-theanine or whatever it is. 

Theanine. 

L-phynine. 

I don't know what that is. 

I don't know. There's an L with an apostrophe. 

I don't know. 

Something. 

I thought you were speaking Latin. Anyway, that's not what it is. It's the hatches, matches, and dispatches clue. The segment that we do at the end of the show, the births, deaths, marriages. We don't actually have any significant births, deaths, marriages that, well, that came to us. in this week. Like maybe there was some and I wouldn't want to offend anyone who did have a significant, but it's so we just did a birthday, a celebrity who has having a celebrity who is... Are you drunk? No, don't push me because I'm close to the edge. A celebrity who is having a birthday that said this. 

I love you guys. 

Go to the gym, don't smoke, don't drink, and be healthy. 

There you go. Great advice. Have your non-alcoholic gin and tonic and develop a stutter because you're withdrawing from alcohol like I have. Let's see if I can pull it together for the news. The 16th of October, and Louis Farrakhan, the leader of the Nation of Islam, addresses the millions more event in Washington, DC and condemns George W. Bush for the federal government's response to Hurricane Katrina. Now, you would know the Million Man March was, of course, the one that he had in 1995 that Louis Farrakhan organised. It was in the big mall at Washington, DC there, and there was obviously millions of men there, millions of black men, actually. and they were kind of trying to reframe the way they were perceived. And so they were talking about things like, unity in the black community and how they could move forward and progress. And it was a very powerful event, the one in 1995. 

I think it's referred to in one of Tupac's songs even, I remember you talking about it, but it calls for personal accountability, economic empowerment, reconciliation. And it was really significant. I don't know that there was exactly a million people there. But there was a lot. 

Well, the photos, it looked impressive. And so on October 15, 2005, Farrakhan leads the millions more movement in Washington, DC as a follow-up. And the message is still community, unity, political clout, self-determination. But critics at this stage are saying that, you know, because Farrakhan, leader of the Nation of Islam, a lot of stuff going on with Islam and Muslims. and whatnot and black people as well. America is, very racially divided. I think that's a fair thing to say. Like there are communities and it's kind of based on race. And so people were saying at this stage that Farrakhan's language was quite divisive and that undercut the broader goals of the movement. So the movement has probably grown a little bit bigger than what Louis Farrakhan himself has as far as where it stands and the people that are involved and what they stand for as well. Great message, but once you put the message out there, other people are running with it. But here's what he had to say, or part of what he had to say in a very long speech in 2005. 

The neocons now running and ducking like they didn't do nothing. But President Bush is functioning on the agenda, the idea of the neoconservatives. So if he goes, all of them have to go. And better government put in their place. 

Yeah, so he was calling for a new government. And I think this is, Katrina is a big catalyst for this. So he positions the March Farrakhan as a response to the government's failure and communities need to rely on themselves, not Washington, to rebuild and survive because they're not going to help you. And that's why he's called for a new government. And there was some legit outrage there at racial disparity. in disaster response with also, I guess, and this is where Farrakhan kind of goes off the rails with a lot of people because he has a bit of a conspiratorial kind of edge to some of the stuff he says. And it's not that it, I mean, who knows, like in this day and age, conspiracies come true, so whatever. But I do think that it kind of, the message was a little bit diluted in 2005. However, obviously a lot of people came forward to protest and to actually have their voice heard because of the absolutely ********* response to Hurricane Katrina. And I mean, these days, I think Farrakhan is like, he's still quite polarizing. He's respected in some communities, but others kind of, he's been sidelined. He's, I think it's more of an historical role that he would play these days. Like, so similar to like, I guess, and I don't necessarily want to lump him into the same category because I think they had very different views of the world and politics, but like Jesse Jackson, just another kind of figurehead. you would argue these days that the Reverend Jesse Jackson is a little bit toothless as well. And I think Farrakhan has lost a lot of his bite as well over time. But I mean, I don't know all that much about US politics. It's just the perception from abroad, I guess. 

Over to the 19th, we've got a big trial happening. Saddam Hussein goes on trial in Baghdad for crimes against humanity. Get your lawyer hat on or suit or whatever lawyers wear. I don't know. 

Yeah. 

He appears in court on the 19th of October under heavy security alongside 7 co-defendants. And the first case against him focused on the 1982 massacre where 148 Shiite villagers were killed after a failed assassination attempt on Saddam. He was charged with crimes against humanity including murder, torture and forced deportation. And the trial was also meant to test Iraq's ability to conduct justice, obviously after his fall a couple of years earlier in 2003. 

So it was kind of hard for them to pin him down with this stuff. The prosecution called it command responsibility. And against my better judgment, I'm going to play a grab from Fox News. But it does explain what happens. 

Joining us now, law professor at American University, Paul Williams. Professor Williams, good to see you. Because I understand it, prosecutors are using a theory that I have never heard of. It's called command responsibility. Instead of saying that Saddam Hussein ordered, you know, the execution and murder of all these people, they're going to say, hey, What it was is he knew about it and failed to prevent it. I mean, that's a pretty novel approach, isn't it? 

Yeah, well, it's clear in the situation in Iraq that there's not likely to be that many smoking guns. And when you have a case such as this where Saddam exercised complete control over the military, the natural way of going after him is command responsibility, that he knew or should have known these acts were occurring and he did nothing to stop it. 

So it's like, he knew it was, he maybe even ordered it. So as the commander in chief, he is responsible. I don't know how the dude from Fox News is like, I've never heard of this before. It's like, what kind of journalist? Oh, Fox News. Okay, no worries at all. Carry on. 

Saddam was defiant from the start. And I think we mentioned he had an appearance earlier, either this year or last year, and we spoke about him kind of taking the **** a little bit. He was belligerent. He continued to be belligerent this time around. 

Defiant, yes. 

Didn't want to give his name and arguing that the court was illegitimate, calling it a tool of the American occupation. And a lot of... Outburst as saying things like, this is a theatre, you should not be deceived by it. He mocked witnesses as well, sometimes even boycotting the hearings. 

He should, it reminds me, you know that scene in Mr. In Between? Remember, that's such a great show. And where the police come to his door and he's just like, I don't answer questions. And that's his response the entire time. I don't answer questions. He should have done that. He should have pulled the Mr. In Between defence. That was very defiant. There's lots of controversy. Of course, with Saddam Hussein being in court, though, several defence lawyers were assassinated during the trial, raising questions, I don't answer questions, whether Saddam and his co-defendants could get a fair defence, because obviously lawyers get assassinated, so nobody really wants to be involved. And judges and court staff also receiving death threats from supporters. and detractors possibly. I mean, it was very widely publicised. It was one of the biggest news items of the year. So as a consequence, lots of criticism as well. Human rights groups argued the trial didn't meet the international standards. Supporters insisted that Iraqis deserve to prosecute Saddam themselves, not in The Hague. And lots of political pressure as well, because US and Iraqi governments being accused of rushing the process to get that political legitimacy that we're talking about, where it was like, you know, So they wanted to see that Iraq could actually make this trial happen under their new, I guess, democracy. 

The trial lasted for more than a year. There was a dramatic testimony, walkouts, delays. We reached November the 5th, 2006, so more than a year, and he was found guilty of crimes against humanity. And sentenced to death by hanging. 

Yeah, I remember that. I remember watching the video. 

December 30, 2006 in Baghdad. Yes, it was leaked on video, showing guards taunting him actually, which caused further controversy. 

Look, it was the best legal drama on TV. Absolutely. And a very historic trial as well, because one of the first times ever that a modern dictator was tried by his own people. Into music. 

Yes, we'll start with the Australian charts. Pussycat Dolls still number one over here. 

Yes. 

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? 

Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Like me? Don't you? Don't you, baby? Don't you? All right, sing. Don't you wish your girlfriend was raw like me? Raw. 

Oh, goodness, the lowest remix. Raw. 

You've got to love the Pussycat Dolls. Australia just fell in love with the Pussycat Dolls, more so than the rest of the world, I think. 

Yeah, I think we had a thing for like stripping at this point, you know, like Carmen Electric, Victor Strip, and Pussycat Dolls. 

A mainstay on video hits. 

Pole dancing was popular at this point. 

Yeah. And it was, you know, it's been sold to girls be out in the living room at 10 o'clock in the morning with video hits on when it comes up to the number one, like with their Bratz dolls. 

Yes. 

And you know, a maybe a kebab skewer or something that they would use as a makeshift pole to twirl their their brat stole around in the living room. Yeah. 

Sugababe's number one over in the UK. 

If you're ready for me boy you better push the button and let me know before I get the wrong eye there and go you're gonna get the freak that I control. 

Another alleged female empowerment song. 

Yeah, it's a bit similar. It's a bit similar to, if you want to wait till later, hands off my detonator, isn't it really? 

Best line ever in a song. 

It is probably the greatest song line of all time. Only probably rivalled by. 

Simon Denny was in that video clip. Did you know that? 

The Melissa DiCalco knocked the button. Yeah, that's what the song we're referring to. 

He was in the, yeah, and he had black and white jeans. I bought those jeans. Well, I bought a knock-off from Rockman's. 

Really. 

More than one uniform. I was going to say, I thought I was so cool. 

I was going to reference the cherry pie lyrics by Warrant as well, which are also quite poetic and great. But I think I'll leave it there. You can go and find them yourself. 

Yes. Should we go to the US charts? 

If you want to wait till late, no, I'll put back. 

I ain't never had nobody do me like you. Now, I've been with different kind of girls, so like I don't see no more, but ain't none of them at all. You love my lady, love my heart, my heart, my heart. They got you. She's got me spinning, shaking. 'Cause the love that ain't the same. And you keep on playing games like you know I'm here to stay. Look at this photograph. Every time I do, it makes me laugh. How did our eyes get so red? I ain't saying she a gold digger. But she ain't messing with no broke. 

It's the same songs in a different order this week, I believe. 

I think so, yeah. Bow Wow, like you, #5, yeah. My lovely lady lumps, #4. More female empowerment. Look at them go. 

Really. 

Go girls. 

Is my humps, is that a female empowerment song? 

No, she's singing about her lumps, why not? Shake It Off, #3, Mariah. Photograph, Nickelback, #2. 

Yes. 

Look at this photograph. 

Every time I do, it makes me laugh. 

Kanye, gold digger #1. I saw something about him the other day. What's he up to? Why's he got a doco? He's got a doco. 

Kanye's got a doco coming out. 

And he's talking about the Kardashians, I think. Oh, there's something. I think there's a doco. Something to do with Kanye. I. 

Don't know. I'm always like, I mean, Kanye at this stage, I'd be like, oh, nothing would surprise me. I'd be like, somebody come up and be like, oh, you know, Kanye is actually narrating an audio book of Mein Kampf. I'd be like, of course he is. 

Yeah, I don't know if I dreamt that or if he's doing it, but nothing is surprising with Kanye. Look at this photograph. 

Every time I do it makes me laugh. 

Album release, couple of album releases actually. Let's start with an Australian duo, a sister, actually twins, the Veronicas, their first album, The Secret Life of. 

I just like grand finals. I feel like they did they do a grand final? They must have done a grand final at one stage of Veronica's. 

Harmonising is incredible. I remember them at that. 

They should be incredible. They are twins. 

Yeah, well, that's true. It's an unfair advantage. 

I shared a womb. 

I remember. At the Arias, when they weren't wearing tops, they were just wearing body paint one year. That was very controversial. 

Are you serious? Like on the red carpet. 

Might have had covers over, but yeah, they were basically topless. That was, yeah, controversy. So. The album peaked at #2 on the album's chart, went four times platinum. It stayed in the Aria Top 50 for over a year. We loved them. 

It's a banger. Yeah, we did. 

Yeah, they had Forever, Everything I'm Not, When It All Falls Apart. 

Yeah. 

Won lots of Aria. 

Didn't Ryan Cabrera tour with them? He did. 

Didn't he? I think he was going to. I think he was going steady with one of them, actually. Is that one? I think I read that somewhere. 

I don't know. 

I'll have to text him and ask him. 

Yeah, we'll have to give him a call later. I'll see what's going on. No, that's wrong. That's fake news. 

Shut up, you idiots. They promoted it a lot. TV, radio. They're on Sunrise. 

They're contractually obliged. They're going to pay back the record company. 

Rove Live. Remember Rove Live. I remember Rove Live. And it was even on the final episode of season one of The Hills. 

Really. 

That forever song. 

Was it like, see you later, Heidi. See you, Spencer. Oh, baby, we ain't gonna live forever. I certainly hope they don't. 

Oh my goodness. 

Not the Veronicas, the cast of the Hills. 

Oh, yes. Well, I know, I thought that's what I meant, but that's still ours. 

No, I mean, that song, that song in and of itself makes the Veronicas immortal. 

That's a great song. Why isn't there a? 

That's how musicians achieve immortality through their music. 

Wasn't Australia ****** *** with them recently, though, with that Triple J Greatest Songs Ever, and the Veronicas were in the top. 

That's not their fault. 

I don't know if they were, I don't think they were #1, but I think that was. 

Is that as voted by listeners? 

Yeah, and everyone got outraged that the Veronicas were in there. I don't know. I think it's stupid. I'm not agreeing with it. I just. 

Turn around and have a look at your friend. They might have voted for me. 

And it's like, well, did you vote? 

Exactly. 

Shut up. 

Vote early, vote often. 

Yeah. 

Anyway. we've got another album from... 

Oh, someone who also went out with Ryan Cabrera. 

Oh, God. 

It's the Ryan Cabrera show tonight. 

I don't think it is. 

Oh, okay. 

Well, because that was in January. 

Okay. 

Well, maybe it is. It's like 1 degree of Ryan Cabrera. That's what we're playing this evening. There's a new album from Ashley Simpson, I Am Me. It's called I Am Me. 

Great. 

Second studio album by Ashley. This is the second studio album in the wake of, obviously, the lip-syncing scandal from Saturday Night Live, which happened last year. So she's put out another album. It was released in the United States on the 18th of October and it debuted #1 in sales and it produced 2 top 25 hits, top 25 hits. Is that just so they could say that there was two? 

Squeezed it in, it's probably like 24. 

One was called L.O.V.E. and then there was this one, Boyfriend, I'm sure you remember it. 

Very dramatic as well. I remembered. I loved it. I loved the feuds over the years. 

Absolutely didn't steal the boyfriend. 

Yeah, it was. 

Didn't steal him. Don't steal him. 

There was a lot of rumours at the time. 

Yes. 

That song was actually dedicated to Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan. Because Lindsay was going out with, what was that guy? Wilma Valderrama. 

Oh, Wilma Valderrama from that 70s show. 

I think in 2004. 

Yeah, not the bad guy from that 70s show. 

Oh, not the one we don't talk about. We can still talk about Wilma, I think. 

We can still talk about Wilma. 

Yeah, we're going to. 

Fez, Fez, that was him. 

Yes. He went out with Lindsay early 2004 and they broke up. And not long after they broke up, he was seen dancing in a club with Ashley Simpson. There was lots of rumours that she'd kind of broken them up, apparently. And so then this song came out and you can imagine all the TV hits and smash hits and the MTVs and The Homewrecker. 

She's a homewrecker. 

Oh, what's going on? Is this about your feud? She was like. 

She's got beef. 

She apparently denied it, denied it, denied it. She said it wasn't directed at one person, but it was about Girls in general who accuse you of taking their boyfriend when you didn't. However, there was a time she was interviewed. 

It's a very immature way of looking at things, because there's zero accountability on the boyfriend's behalf here. It's like, it's just girls attacking girls. I don't really like the message, I have to say. I think Wilma should have come in. I know it was a different time, but maybe, yeah, maybe Wilma Valderrama could have stepped in and say, Listen, nobody's stealing anyone. 

Yeah, I'm my own person. I am me. I am me. 

I am me. As per the title of the album. 

Correct. 

I am me. 

I'm my own person. 

I'm not her boyfriend, and I'm certainly not yours either. Good on you, Wilma. I'm glad you stook up for yourself. 

Ryan Seacrest, he was onto her though, because he was asking her. And then he said every time he asked her, she was kind of smiling. She grinned every time she denied it. So Ryan's like, yeah, totally is. That's foul. This is all foul. No, 2018, she's on that watch what happens live with Andy Cohen. 

Oh, right. 

And you know how he plays that plead the fifth game where you're allowed to plead the fifth once and you've got to answer everything else truthfully. He got to the bottom of it. 

In your 2005 song, Boyfriend, there were rumours that the lyrics, I didn't steal your boyfriend, that lyric was allegedly about you not stealing I think I know the answer. Is that true? And how would you characterize your relationship with Lindsay? 

Yeah, I mean, I hung out with him first, and I wasn't interested in him at that point. So yeah. 

So you did. It was. It was. It was. It was the best. 

So I didn't steal your boyfriend? 

That was about you not stealing him from Lindsay Lohan. 

I didn't. Yes. I was done. But all love here. Thank you very much. You didn't play the best, everybody. 

I feel like she, permission to approach the bench, Your Honour. 

Yes. 

I feel like she didn't actually confess. 

Oh, well, she said she was with him first and they were friends and she wasn't interested. 

She said she didn't steal Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend, but she did not confess to the song being about that particular scenario. 

I think we could call it command responsibility. 

Good. I was going to say, let's go back to the tape, but I could not be listening to that again. So let's move on to some more beef. It's A beefy week. Oh, yes, it is a very beefy week. It's beef week. Why not? Is it? I don't know. 

16th of October, we had a shooting and police were investigating whether or not it was due to a beef between our mate Fiddy, our life coach, our North Star, And the rap group, Bangam and Domination. 

Well, Bangam was a dude. Bangam was... 

So was Domination. They were a duo. 

Oh, so they were... 

Bangam and Domination. That's their name. 

Possibly after a falling out with 50 Cent, because Bangam used to be like 50 Cent's hype guy. 

Yes. 

So he'd just say the last word of everything 50 said on stage. And I'm wondering if like 50 Cent just got the with that. Like, because maybe he just followed him around in everyday life and would just say the last word of everything that 50, you know, People do that in conversation. 

In conversation. 

Exactly. That's exactly what I'm talking about. 

Talking about. 

Yeah, it's really annoying, isn't it? Yeah. So Bangam, Bangam, Bangam Smurf was his name. Yeah. Well, I hope not, because there's, I mean, let's not get into the whole banging situation with Smurf. It does get really messy. 

Okay, so 16th of October, gunfire erupts outside Moe's BBQ on Archer Avenue during a mixtape release party for Bangam and Domination. 

Yes. 

And according to the uncle of one of the promoters of the party, Uncle Michael said, I said to my nephew, stay on your toes. This could be a problem. 

Oh, because he thought they were at war with each other. 

This could be a problem. 

Yes. 

Partygoers said that domination came into the restaurant with an entourage of about 15 minutes before the shots were fired outside. 

Well, he's inside then. He's been inside. He's got an alibi, yes. 

Bangam Smurf wasn't at the party because he was in jail for weapons. 

That's a pretty good alibi. Yeah. 

So the owner of Moe's BBQ, Michael, that he heard multiple shots in rapid succession. 

So is Moe short for Michael? I guess it is. 

Maybe. 

Because it's not Michael's BBQ, it's Moe's BBQ. It's not Jamison's BBQ, it's Moe's BBQ. So I'm hoping that Moe's. 

Maybe that was like his mum's name, his mum's... 

Like her name's like Monique. 

Maybe. 

Or something. 

I don't know. 

All right, good. Anyway, he said that he heard multiple shots. 

Three shots. 

Who is getting BBQ at 3 o'clock in the morning? 

Well, no, not bang him because he's in jail, but domination is. 

I mean, if it's a BBQ place, he's probably up. Shout out to Scotty Masters, Smoke Masters BBQ. He'd be up somewhere around. 

3 A.m., putting the biscuits on. Maybe Michael's just cooking in the car park, getting ready for the next. 

Putting the briskets on at Moe's Barbecue. 

OK, maybe. And they were just borrowing the venue for the mix. 

At 3am ready for lunch service. I'd say he's left a little bit late. I'd probably. 

Well, a day manager at Moe's was also there, even though he was a day manager. Prime, Prime Davis. 

At 3am. 

Prime Davis. 

Well, what's he doing there if he's the day manager? 

I mean, he's attending the party. 

Oh, right. 

Attending the party. 

Oh, because it's a party, right? 

Well, he's a manager, so I don't know, maybe he's getting overtime. 

They're also calling it a club. They're referring it was chaos. 

Chaos for a second. Two men were shot. 

Yes. 

Including an unidentified member of Domination's crew. 

Yes. 

Didn't know whether the other victim had connections to the rapper, but they were both driven to the hospital by the same friend. Oh, well, that's good. One was shot in the head. Both expected to live. I'm assuming they did. I didn't hear otherwise. 

Yeah, no arrests. So it's just all scuttle, but really. 

No, and it was a look, and this is a big allegedly. I think all of like the gossip hip-hop magazine. Cuisines were like, Oh, it's definite beef, and it sounded highly likely because they were proteges for 50. 

He cut them. Yes, he cut them and they just misbehaved on tour. That's what he did. 

He fired them for hijinks. 

Yeah, he did. Like, I think there was an argument or a fight early in the morning over a Michelin Nest jersey, like a hockey jersey or a football jersey or something. And Bangam was one of the guys that was responsible. And 50 was really annoyed because Bangam thought he was a bit untouchable, having being the guy that says the last word in every sentence that 50 cents says. Exactly. Yeah. So, Bangam is in jail. 

Jail. 

Because 50 Cent refuses to pay the seventy-five $1000 bail to get him out. He's like, No, Bingham's like, Help me out. And Fiddy's like, nah, you're on your own, pal. 

Yeah, so that's, I think that's where the beef came from. 

Well, I think 50's actually talked about it in his autobiography. 

Oh, he has, good. 

Yeah, I don't know if it's his, I don't know what the name of the book is, but it's a book written by 50 Cent, and he narrates the audio book. 

Oh, does he? 

Yeah. 

Bangham thought he was bigger than the crew, but it turned out he didn't know how to move on his own. He started working with some other local rappers, and from time to time would try to get me to support them, but nothing really caught my hair. Without my support, no one wanted to give him a break. Instead of being on the road with me, making legal money and seeing the world, he eventually caught a case back in Queens. He asked me to bail him out, but I explained to him that wasn't my job. He eventually got deported back to Trinidad, where he was born. To this day, he blames me, not himself, for his situation. 

Not himself. 

Stuff through his guns, Fitty did. 

He blames me, not himself. He's always the voice of reason, isn't he? It's like, it's your own fault, you idiot. Stop blaming me. 

I'm not bailing you out. Look at you now, you've been deported back to Trinidad. 

I want to listen, so he's narrating his own book. I believe he's got sound effects in it. 

I probably should have done more research. I don't know if he's got sound effects in it or somebody decided to. 

I'll never get the audio book just to listen to the dulcet parents of 50. 

Look, I didn't research that part, so I'm just going to look. 

You better find out because I think I want to buy this audio book. 

Well, if he's narrating it, I don't know, if he speaks well. He doesn't strike me. I think it's that unique because, you know, he got shot in the, in obviously the mouth as well. 50 Cent audio book. Free download. Oh, we won't go there. It's called, oh, well, he's got a couple, I think, actually. Hustle. 

Yeah. 

Harder, Hustle Smarter by Curtis Jackson, Curtis 50 Cent Jackson, audio book on Audible. There you go. It's got quite a few good reads, good reviews in here as well. I mean, it's not. I mean, it's a bit of an impromptu book, but you know, it's, yeah, it's 4.8. I don't know. I have to ask Lars what she thinks. There's always a bit of fanfare that follows Lois, isn't there? Yes. As we go over to the entertainment, TV and movies portion of the proceedings, we've got a new movie, a new number one at the US box office with the future president, The Rock. 

At a distant research facility, the final 10% of the human genome has just been discovered. 

And with it, all hell has broken loose. Now, a call for help has gone out. Game time. Listen up, man. We're going in hot. 

If a breeze, kill it. There's something coming up behind you. 

It's an azure. What is that? We got to go now. Evacuate! Evacuate! Come on! No! Sir, are you okay? 

I don't know what's going on in that. That's a lot. It's a lot. It's very confusing. There's not a lot going on in that movie either. It was directed by Polish director Andrzej Bartkowiak. I've pronounced that terribly. terribly and I apologise to any of our Polish listeners. He was responsible for films like Exit Wounds with the... 

Oh yes. 

DMX I think was in that. Steven Seagal. 

Oh ROP. 

Romeo Must Die. 

Not to Steven Seagal to DMX. Steven Seagal's still alive, isn't he? 

Such classics as, yeah, unfortunately. Oh yes, he is. 

With this one though, Doom, this is a game, isn't it? 

Yeah, it was based on video game. Video game movie. And there is kind of a thing with video game movies that they're never good. 

No. 

They're never good. That's a very extreme response, but yes, they are ****. 

Remember Street Fight? 

Yes. 

There was a Mortal Kombat one too, wasn't there? 

It's like the bad end of Hollywood just squatted over the audience. 

You know what would be good? If they made a movie out of 50 Cent Blood on the Sand. 

Oh, that's a video game movie I could get down to. Yes. 

And he could narrate it. 

I feel like the game in and of itself was just such a cinematic experience. I just don't see. 

It is a movie. 

Yeah. And as a consequence, it would have the taint. It would have the taint of the video game film. You cannot shake the video game film taint unless you do a video game TV series, which The Last of Us probably proves. But I'd still say it has a slight taint, just a little bit of the stank on it. I mean, it's a good show. So anyway, this one. 

How was The Rock though? 

The Rock was good. I think The Rock was saved by Karl Urban, who I think is a fantastic actor. 

What was he in that we watched? 

The Boys. He's in The Boys. He's been in Thor Ragnarok. He's just a great actor. New Zealand. 

Do we claim him? 

No, he's a Kiwi. No, I don't think we can. He's a pretty thick accent. Accent. It was loosely based on the Doom video game, but set in 2046. And a distress call comes from Mars, the planet Mars, where there's a research facility. And so the Space Marines, the RRTS, the Rapid Response Tactical Squad, get dispatched to investigate. And they find that scientists have been dicking around with Martian genetics and things have gone horribly wrong. Hideous monsters, mutated humans, infected by a 24th chromosome. I don't know how you get infected by a chromosome, but there it is. And I like, I'm not going to argue because I'm not a doctor. I'm certainly not a scientist or a rapid response tactical squad person. The twist, of course, is that the Rock, I'm going to spoil it, his character Sarge turns into an infected one and gets consumed by the mutation and Carl Urban's character ends up being the hero, which is great. But it, like I said, very loosely based on the video game. There is a great sequence in there though, where a great piece of cinematography where they do the first person sequence and it's like you're in the video game. So it's got the first person style action scene mimicking the look of the game where they're going down a corridor. Yeah, gunfire, monster point of view shots. And then the BFG, which was the big f**king gun. That's what it was called. called in the game. So the fans really liked that. And they really liked The Rock as a villain, because I mean, he hasn't done that since The Scorpion King. What a great film that was. And so he was a full-on bad guy in that. And then Rosamund Pike was in there as well. Pre-Gone Girl. She's a great actor. Couldn't believe she's in there. She played a scientist caught in the chaos. I mean, you got to start somewhere. So $58 million at the box office from a budget of 60 or 70 million. They went into debt for it. And it just, yeah, it was terrible. 18% on Rotten Tomatoes. Yeah. Not even the first person shooter sequence could save them. Dull story, bad script, terrible cinematography, except for the first person thing. Hard to see anything. Carl Urban was great and everything else was trash. But that's the thing. That's the video game curse, like I was saying. So a lot of people come back to it, maybe for the novelty. The novelty and the one, I think the terrible one liner where The Rock was like Semper Fi, motherf***er or something like that. It was, yeah. But they did, and then they did a reboot Doom Annihilation in 2019. I think even the video company were like, no, we don't want anything to do with that. That's terrible. 

We had a new number one over here in Australia, In Her Shoes, based on the best-selling novel by Jennifer Weiner. 

There are women who have lace bras, silk thongs, things designed to excite a man. A thong would look ridiculous on me. Shoes like these should not be locked in a closet. You should be living a life of scandal and passion. I'll let you do my resume if you let me do your makeup. It's worth the pain. What was your last job? Come on, you really don't want to do this right now, do you? No, but I also don't want you on my couch for the next three months. Why did you let her do this to you? Because she's my sister. Is Rose here? I want you out now. Where am I supposed to go? You figure it out! Is this Ella Hirsch? Yes, it is. Did you have a daughter named Caroline? This is my granddaughter, Maggie Feller. Well, hello. Turns out I have a grandmother I never knew about. Our mother was Dad. The grandmother might have come in handy. She was impossible, Rose. We know all about you. You must come to Florida to milk your grandmother for all she's worth. Does this place have a pool? This place just keeps getting better and better. How come you don't have any pictures of my mom around? You put out pictures, people ask questions. They expect you to tell them everything. I don't do that. 

Now, I haven't seen this film, but I think given a choice between seeing this film and watching Doom again, I'm going to take Doom. I do love Toni Collette as an actor. 

Shirley MacLaine's great. 

I quite like Shirley MacLaine as well. Yes. 

Shame about the story. 

Steel Magnolias gets me every time. 

Oh, doesn't it? 

I think they should do a remake of Steel Magnolias, but a bloke version starring The Rock. 

I'd cry at that too. 

Rocket Steel Magnolias. Yeah. Anyway. 

It's two sisters and I think they hate each other. 

Well, one's the party girl. Cameron Diaz is the party girl. 

And then in the end, then they don't hate each other and they live with their grandmother. 

The reason why they don't hate each other is because they live with their grandmother and she sort of... 

I think one of them lives with the grandmother and the other one doesn't. 

Yes, and then it helps them recognize. 

Then they become friends again. 

Well, this one costs thirty-five million to make, and the return on investment eighty-three $1,000,000 worldwide. good. Generally positive. Praised for emotional depths. I don't know. I mean, I think The Rock is kind of underrated with emotional depth. He's got no range at all. 

That eyebrow. That eyebrow cocky does. 

That's his range. Yeah, but that's very emotional. That's also a wrestling gimmick. I don't think I've ever seen him do the cocked eyebrow. 

Can you just move one eyebrow like that? 

Yes. 

Oh, he can. 

Yes, I can. 

It's not as good as The Rock. 

Sorry. Smell what I'm cooking. So they liked it. They liked it. They said it was a warmer take on the chick flick genre. And the audience liked it too. 

It's just what you need, a warmer chick flick. Small Screen had a big debut. A Colbert report on the 17th of October. 

Yes, this was him being interviewed by Bill O'Reilly. 

Colbert, that's a French name, is it not? It's A French name. 

I probably need to set that up better, actually. So you know Bill O'Reilly. You know who Bill O'Reilly is, a conservative Fox News journalist over in the States. 

He's like cranky, isn't he? 

He's an *******. Like he's an *******. There's a famous outtake video of him having a complete tantrum on air. 

Oh, is he the one where he goes, we do it live. We do it live. yes. 

And I don't think he's much of a fan of Colbert because Colbert obviously is lampooning them. And so his show, which premiered on the 17th of October on Comedy Central, became wildly popular. It was very satirical. It parodied those conservative political talk shows. So, you know, very confronted by it was Bill O'Reilly. 

Colbert, that's a French name. name, is it not? 

It's a French name just to get the cultural elites on my side, Bill. I'm as Irish as you. I'm a Tormey. I'm an O'Neill. I'm a tuck. I'm a fee. I'm a Connelly. I could sit toe to toe at a potato table. 

I talked to your third grade teacher, Miss Crabtree. She said back then you were little Steve Colbert in South Carolina. 

I was Steve Colbert. 

But you, once you got here to Manhattan from South Carolina, change from little Steve Colbert to Stephen Colbert. 

Bill, you know you gotta play the game that the media elites want you to do, okay? Some places you can draw the line, some places you can't. You and I have taken a lot of positions against the powers that be, and we've paid a heavy price. We have TV shows, product lines, and books, okay? That's the price we pay. 

It is tough being me. Is it tough being you? 

It's hard for me to be you, I'll tell you that much. It is. 

Now, don't you owe me an enormous amount of money? 

Well, if I were imitating you, I would, Bill, but there's a difference between imitation and emulation. Let me tell you the difference, okay? If you imitate someone, you owe them a royalty check. If you emulate them, you don't. There's a big difference. Check your lawyer. 

I will. I will. 

Why was he interviewing him then if they don't like each other? How did this even happen? 

I think Colbert would have been more than willing to be a part of it. And I think O'Reilly, because he's got such a high opinion of himself, would have thought that he was going to have him on toast. But the thing was, is Colbert does not break character through the whole scene. And it just goes on. And that was the beauty of Colbert. And this is the thing. I think America struggles with sarcasm, I think, in a lot of ways. Like we're very sarcastic. But this was like peak sarcasm, satire, whatever you want to call it. And I kind of struggled to understand, I think because you don't understand like the culture and the politics as much as what you think you do based on what you see in the movies and stuff. Yeah. At first I didn't know how to take Stephen Colbert. I remember he was the conservative. 

We were staying in a hotel in Sydney that had like the cable. 

Yeah. 

And we were flicking through and I remember it came on. I was like, I don't get this. 

But then when you actually watch it and you listen and pay attention, you get it. You do get it because he's that he's just that right-wing pundit version of himself. And we all know that's not who he is. And I love the concept of truthiness, which was the term that he coined for believing something based on gut feeling, not facts. I think that's excellent, excellent. It became, that actually became the 2000 truthiness in that year after the first season of the Colbert Report became the 2005 word of the year as decided by the American Dialect Society. They're like, yep, truthiness is our word for you. 

That needs to come back. I feel like that's social media. I feel like that's what influencers are hired for. They're hired for truthiness. 

And I think, you know, we need people like Stephen Colbert now more than ever. First episode, Stone Phillips, then anchor of Dateline NBC. I don't think he knew what was going on at the time. Opened with this intro segment and his declaration of the show as the most important television program ever, because he was, and like, It's just Bill, you can see why Bill O'Reilly was offended because he was just, he was emulating him. He leaned really heavy into that. And then he's like doing the whole direct talking to the camera, thumping his chest. And there was a lot of real political commentary in there as well, which I think people really love. So huge cultural phenomena over in the USA. Younger viewers really liked his delivery and the ironic patriotism, won heaps of Emmy Awards in its time. And he really was and is now a defining satirist. from our era. Just awesome. 

Here in Australia on the same day, big moment, big moment in the Australian game show television history. 

Where were you when this happened? 

Probably asleep, actually. 

I was probably asleep. I think I was actually... Was it a nighttime show or an afternoon show? No, I was working... 

This was just before the news. That's right. Before the news, because Eddie would throw to the news, coming up in the news, here's the news headlines. 

We were in office jobs at this stage in 2000, but you were working in TV. So you would have been at work and I would have been commuting. 

And I was working for a different station. 

Yeah, that's where I was. I think I caught it on the replay. 

We would have been watching MASH because we used to have the TV on at work on the channel that we worked for. 

Because you were working for the TV station. And every time they didn't have this show. 

We had MASH and every time MASH ended, everyone would stand up at their desks and whistle the MASH theme. 

Are you serious? 

Yeah, every day. 

It was kind of fun. It was good. It's nice inter office culture. 

So we were watching MASH instead of this, but this was Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. We had the first person ever to win the mill. 

I think this was actually on at night time. I think it was like, I feel like. 

Was this before it was, well, it used to be the afternoon before the news. 

You know what? I have to confess very quickly before we get into all of the action. 

Yeah. 

I really hated how drawn out this show was because I was. 

Going to the convention. 

9 times out of 10, maybe 8 out of 10, maybe 7. Okay, I'm not that smart, but I was smart enough to get most of the answers before they went to the ad break and then it was like, I don't give a **** if this head gets it or not. I already know. Anyway, Rob Coach Fulton from Sydney. 

Yes. 

Is the first ever Australian to win a million bucks. 

Which of these popular 60s TV shows premiered first? It was not Hogan's Heroes. 

No. 

That was in 1965. 

Okay. 

September 1965. 

Get on with it. 

It was not Get Smart. 

Oh, Jesus. No. 

September 1965 for Get Smart as well. 

It was bewitched. It was bewitched, okay? Just tell us. 

Rob the coach Fulton. Which of these popular '60s TV shows premiered first? Claire? The answer is Bewitched. You want to move there. 

There you go. Oh, the suspense. How was it? Eddie McGuire, the drum roll, the time that it takes to just... Everyone, it's Bewitched, okay? It was. And that was the $1,000,000 question. I would have got that. 

You say that, but you're not sitting in a chair with all the pressure. It's very different with the pressure, I think. 

You think, with the pressure? 

I worked with somebody who went to a millionaire hot seat, and he was really good at it all the time, but then with the pressure, he got out before even like on the easy question. 

Because you could phone a friend, what were the things? You could phone a friend or you could ask the audience. The 50-50? Or take a 50-50? Were those the three lifelines that you had? 

Yeah, that's right. Phone A 50. 

I'd be like, at least lifelines. 

And sometimes they'd phone and the person wouldn't answer. 

Yes, there'd be no one there. Wouldn't you be dark on your friend? Oh, my phone a friend just bailed. That's ridiculous. I'd negotiate. I'd be like, listen, can I have a little bit more time with this question? If you can just speed up your part? That's what I'd be asking for. Anyway, Rob was a, he was an athletics coach, hence the nickname. He was from Sydney. He's the first one to win $1,000,000. Crowd goes wild. McGuire almost falls off his chair and that guy becomes a millionaire. 

You would have been on the promo for weeks like Dean Carter Keane. 

Yeah, which means, I mean, in this day and age, you know, you win 1,000,000 bucks, you can put a deposit on a house. Let's raise a bar and read something. 

Yes. Well, no, didn't read it. 

No, it's a book we didn't read. 

Number one on the New York Times. 

We read the reviews. 

Bestseller. It's called A Breath of Snow and Ashes. I believe it's part of, what's that show? I think your mum watches it. Outlander. 

Oh, that one. Outlander. It's like a time travel show or something, isn't it? Doesn't somebody get... 

Yeah, something like that. Is it the same one? I don't know. I think it's kind of related. 

Oh, maybe it is. it like a sequel to Outlander. 

It's a is Outlander a series? Maybe I'm thinking of Highlander. 

I didn't read the book. 

Highlander. 

Oh, that was great. That book was Christopher Lambert and Sean Connor. There's just essentially a feeling. That was a movie. It's the quickening. Yeah, and there could only be one and you'd have to cut their heads off. There's like that dude Kogan was tracing like Christopher Lambert around. He's like. 

OK, I don't know if Christopher Lambert. I don't know if this is related, but anyway, maybe you could do the synopsis and we'll all find out what it what it's got to do. 

OK, did you Scottish? 

Yeah, alright. 

Sounds very Scottish to me. The year is 1772, and on the eve of the American Revolution, the long fuse of rebellion has already been lit. I'm going to die if I keep doing it. 

Are you getting a bit light-headed? 

Men lie dead in the streets of Boston and in the backwoods of North Carolina. Isolated cabins burned in the forest. With chaos brewing, the governor calls upon Jamie Fraser to unite the back country and safeguard the colony for king and crown. But from his wife, Jamie, knows that three years hence since the shot heard around the world will be fired, and the result will be independence. I'm not sure that made any sense, but I tried really hard. With those loyal to the king either dead or in exile, and there is also the matter of the tiny clipping from the Wilmington Gazette, dated 1776, which reports Jamie's death along with his kin. For once, he hopes his time-travelling family may be wrong about the future. Hootsman. 

Do you need to take a little break and rest? That's good. 

I need some black pudding now. 

Very good. 

Let's find out what a place my electrolytes. 

What did people thought? Rachel FM one star. 

Rachel FM. Hello and welcome to Rachel FM with our special guest Jennifer Aniston. 

I think at this point we can all acknowledge the physical hotness, distinctiveness and prowess of the main character. 

He's got a very sexy voice too. 

I'm really satisfied without more of the same adjectives every time they ****. Are they even satisfied every time they ****? 

They have adjectives every time they **** or they want to do some similes. 

Why don't we go out the back and shake out me sparring? 

Adjectives describing words. 

Yes, not like or as. 

No, describing words. 

I don't think I have many ways to articulate how to describe a ****. Lyudmila Voddikova gave it one star. There are 1,000,001 mentions of buttocks and breasts, and that's a teensy bit much for me. What's wrong with you? Don't you like buttocks and breasts? No, I don't, thank you very much. They're a little bit unshaven over there in Scotland. 

Now I'm seeing, it's not working. 

And A1 star. 

Yeah, good. 

When I left the characters yesterday, Claire and Jamie had just finished a conversation about John Grey's gayness and whether Claire should fix Higgins' hemorrhoids. 

Oh, should Claire fix Higgins' hemorrhoids? 

Then Claire performed surgery on said hemorrhoids while discussing the virtues of fibre in one's diet. This is not what I want from my romance novels. That was in all caps, that bit. 

Yes, I got that. You should have done. This is not what I want from my romance novels. Maureen one star. Maureen one star. 

If I had to sum it up, Game of Thrones in a kilt. There was lots of discussion and lots of one-star reviews. People were very upset because there was a lot of sex. 

Really. 

A lot of ******** as we alluded to in one of those reviews there. So I found a fairly sexual passage. 

Really. 

And I'm hoping that maybe you could read it authentically in your kilt. 

Oh, for an audio book. 

Yes, you could be the narrator. 

I suppose you could twist my arm. 

Are you ready? 

Yes. 

Okay. 

Yes, just no, I was actually trying to rank, I love you, I like you, I worship you. I have to have my c** inside you in terms of relative sincerity. Did I say that? he said, sounding slightly startled. Yes, weren't you listening? No, he admitted. I meant every word of it, though. His hand cupped 1 buttock, weighing it appreciatively. Still do come to that. What? Even the last one? I laughed and rubbed my forehead gently against his chest, feeling his jaw rest snugly on top of my head. Oh aye, he said, gathering me firmly against him with a sigh. I will say the flesh requires a bit of supper and a wee rest before I think of doing it again, but the spirit is always willing. God, ye have the sweetest fat wee bum. Only seeing it makes me want to give it ye again directly. It's lucky you're led to a decrepit old man, says Anak. Or you'd be on your knees with your **** in the air this minute. 

Wow, so spicy with that accent. 

I have a wee wet spot on me chair. Clean up on aisle 3. Oh boy. 

It's the hatches, batches and dispatches segment. I feel like I've almost dispatched myself then. That was a bit much. It was very hard. 

Feeling a bit light-headed after that. 

Very light-headed. It's very hard to stay in character. It was difficult to maintain that. 

You did well. 

The entire time. Yes, I did better than I think the protagonist or the anti, I don't know, whatever they were in that. Anyway, let's do this segment because this segment is the end of the show and I need to have a wee lie down after that. The pipes, the pipes that I call it. It's the clue. A celebrity, we didn't have a birth or a death or a marriage of any kind of significance, so we're doing this. A celebrity who's having a birthday that said this? 

Hey, I love you guys. 

Go to the gym, don't smoke, don't drink, and be healthy. 

Yes, if you said the muscles from Brussels, Jean-Claude Van Damme. Very correct. It's his birthday. On the 18th of October. 

That's pretty. Hey, was in... in Street Fighter, speaking of the video game movies. 

He was. He was. 

He was all right in that, actually. 

Do you think so? 

I do like him. 

Born Jean-Claude Camille Francois van Verenberg in 1960 in Brussels in Belgium, a karate black belt, a kickboxing champion, and a young man with a dream of Hollywood stardom reinvents himself as the muscles from Brussels, a perfect fit for the 80s and the 90s action hero boom that they had. So everyone remembers Bloodsport, 1988, breakout role. Martial arts superstar, 1990s kickboxer, where they put their hand in the resin and then the glass and then they punch on. That was amazing. Universal Soldier, I think, was my favorite with Van Dam and Dolph Lundgren. Great film. Time Cup. Peak Van Damme, people say to rival Schwarzenegger. 

Because there was rivalry between him and Schwarzenegger, wasn't there? 

Well, I don't think he could hold a candle to the big two. I think he was on the fringes and they were trying to push him to be. one of those. I mean, his kicks, his martial arts ability in the way he could kick is amazing. 

Yeah, good snap kick. 

Yes, and then of course, 1994, Street Fighter. Absolutely terrible movie. Flopped terribly. Raul Julia was also in that. He played Em Bison and he was on his deathbed practically in that role. Really? Yes, terrible. He died soon after that. But poor old Van Damme succumbed to the trappings of fame, substance abuse, struggled with cocaine addiction in the 90s. 

It was on Coke when he was in Street Fighter. 

Very high opinion of himself. He's got some great. No, he doesn't. And this is why he can't hold a candle just alone. 

Alex, he's your brother. Brother? Why? Because he looks like me. I'm going to change that. Aren't you a little young for full contact? Aren't you a little old for video games? I don't pay. I don't punk. Take your fancy clothes and your black silk underwear. and go back to Disneyland. 

Just doesn't, just doesn't have the same je ne sais quoi as I was going to say Stallone, but also Schwarzenegger. I mean, Schwarzenegger was the king of that. And with a name like Jean-Claude Van Damme, he should have je ne sais quoi. 

I remember there was a guy at the Tuggeranong pool. He used to swim at the pool. And he was there, I was there every time we'd go, because we'd go there a fair bit in the holidays. And he'd always just come up to us and start a conversation, start talking about Jean-Claude Van Damme. He was like obsessed with him. And every time we went there, he'd just come, and I don't know why he thought we'd be interested. 

Special interests. 

But he'd just come up to us every time and just tell us about Jean-Claude Van Damme at the Tuggeranong pool. 

He did. 

He did, because he was like, Let's do Van Damme kicks and jump into the pool at the same time. I was like, I hope. 

You're wearing ball shorts now. Let's not. No. 

Who are you? 

You're not Van Damme, that's for sure. 

But he loved him. He did love him. 

Well, I don't know if he'd love him so much after the whole, you know, cocaine admission and had lots of marriage problems, affairs. He had an affair with Colin Noake, allegedly, on the set of Street Fighter. Really. 

Well, he did look pretty buffy. 

The muscles from Brussels. Yeah, but I feel like he... I don't know. I feel like, I don't know, he just... 

He doesn't seem like our Kylie's type. 

No, that's right. But I mean, bad boy. Lots of public feuds, bizarre TV appearances, was quite difficult on set apparently. And in 1998, was actually diagnosed with bipolar disorder, Jean-Claude was. Which he said it helped explain some of the chaos in his personal life. In 2003, this was great. I wish this had happened. He challenged Steven Segal to a real life fight. 

Yes. 

I mean, you look at the amount of money they could make if they tried this in this day and age. They're a bit old now, but you look at the era of the YouTube boxes. I mean, why don't we just start doing pay-per-views where it's like Van Damme versus Seagal. And then the winner fights Chuck Norris. 

You know. 

Yes. Chuck Norris is 80 something, but I still... Yeah, he's pretty old too. They're all pretty old. Yeah, that'd be good. Tonight on Senior Citizen Deathmatch. Yeah. So in 2008 he actually made a movie that was very self-deprecating that I thought was pretty good called JCVD where he played himself and it was... It was kind of like, I guess, his version of Curb Your Enthusiasm or something like that, He was in the Expendables 2 in 2012, 2013, he did the Volvo truck commercial where he did the splits between the two trucks. No, you missed. Carl Icahn Van Damme, campy action relic, self-aware survivor. You know, controversies are all part of the mystique. It is JCVD these days. 

It's an unfortunate acronym at the end. You don't want to catch the JCVD. 

No, Imagine that. I mean, you know, I worked on the set of Street Fighter and one thing led to another and then I picked up JCVD. Terrible. It's time to go on that. 

Have a nice birthday anyway. 

Yes, happy birthday. May all your JCVDs clear up. That is the end of the show. Thank you. We love you very much. You know what we've got next week? Next week. 

Oh, you're pointing. It sounds like something serious. 

What have we got? The king. Elvis lives. Well, no. Well, sort of. Yeah. That's a big thing. Elvis lives. You can't smoke in another country. And. 

Oh, wow. 

And. 

Oh, my gosh. Oh, you know what? Actually. 

What? 

We have got someone appearing with a very special review in the book segment. 

Oh, don't tell me. Those stories are more next week. Come over to the socials. If you want another hint, you can message us. T-minus 20 podcast. We didn't open up the boombox this week. We might next week. We'll see how we go. Okay. We don't have to open the boombox every time. 

Well, I've got plenty. I know. 

Well, we might. We'll see how we go. We'll see how we go next week. No guarantees because there's a few big stories there. So come and find us on the socials. Search for T-minus 20 podcast on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube as well. You can get the podcast on YouTube these days. Hello to all of our YouTube subscribers that have joined us. I'm not sure what people subscribe. Yeah, we've got about 5, I think. 

Oh, that's nice. Can we find out where they're from? Can you see, can you see in the data the countries? 

That means I'm going to have to do a thing. We'll see. We'll see how we go. Thanks very much. We love you. See you next week. 

Bye. Thanks for taking the time to rewind. Join us next time for another week that was 20 years ago. In the meantime, come and reminisce on the socials. Search for T-minus 20 podcast on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok.